Control Issues & Trust

Engaging in fantasy gives a false sense of reality on several points.

1. People engaged in sexual immorality are all about control (this is especially true of those who participate in pornography). In fantasy the one who is fantasizing is in complete control. He or she is controlling the behavior of others, controlling their desires and attitudes, as well as controlling all that is being said.

The problem with this type of thinking is that there is no facet of life in which this could ever

be true. Not even in slavery is this true. No one has absolute control of anyone. Even God

does not exercise this type of control, in that God allows freedom of choice.

2. People who engage in sexual immorality find themselves frustrated and even angry over the lack of control they have on others. As a result there is often a great deal of anger issues.

   
   

3. People involved in fantasy are easily confused between reality and fantasy. Living in fantasy over time blurs the lines between reality and fantasy. These people begin to think that what they think and believe is what everyone one else believes and thinks.

   
   

4. People involved in fantasy alter their reality. (The following excerpt is by Karen Dill, PhD. She is is a social psychologist at Fielding Graduate University in Santa Barbara.)

   
   

   • It's Just a Story: It Doesn't Matter. If you’re interested in what sexualized images of women and girls does to us, there are a number of good research papers and reports and books out there to tell us about the risks we take when the stories we tell about women and girls is that we’re not people, but eye candy. For example, in a report, the American Psychological Association pointed out how the sexualization of girls and women in the media is damaging, robbing girls of everything from self esteem to healthy sexuality.

   • Research in my lab has shown that when men are exposed to sexualized, objectified images of women, they become more tolerant of real-life sexual harassment compared to controls that saw professional images of women. In another study, those exposed to women portrayed as promiscuous applied that stereotype to other women – saying that the innocent women were more responsible for their own sexual harassment.

   • The stories we tell about women and girls do matter. And the pictures we put in our daughter’s minds matter as well.

Fantasy in and of itself is not evil or wrong. It is connected to the ability to be creative, but there are certain aspects of fantasy that rather than enhancing creativity actually begin to destroy one’s ability to be creative.

Any fantasy that involves sinful behavior is destructive and will not promote genuine creativity.

What does this mean for me?

The allusion of absolute control in pornography is a huge consequence of being involved in this behavior. This type of unqualified control of others actions, thoughts, desires, attitudes and words have created a false reality of control.

In real life this type of control is not even remotely possible (even God does not exercise this type of control – the One who is absolutely sovereign). However, the individual involved in pornography and illicit sexual activities has come to believe and think that he does have this sort of control.

When trying now to function in real life of which there is a great deal of “no control” the individual freaks out over life, because they had come to believe that they really were in control. As a result, there is great deal of panic, worry, fear, and anxiety.

In the fantasy of pornography and illicit sexual activity there is no possibility of rejection, failure, resistance, or compromise. The individual get everything he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it, where he wants and from whom he wants it. All of this collides with real life.

This is part of the reason for withdrawing from life and interaction with real people. The individual only wants to relate to those areas of life in which he has absolute or at the very least a great deal of Control.

The more one believes he has control the less desire there is and the less need there is to trust others and trust God. The allusion of absolute control destroys the ability of the individual to trust. Trust is all about control, i.e. relinquishing control to God. Pornography is about the allusion of absolute control in which there is no need to trust. Trust then demonstrates the evidences of weakness, vulnerability and loss of control

The internal conflict now begins when the individual begins to realize that the only control regarding pornography was that of being controlled. The characteristic of this reality is only the allusion of control and low trust ability.

When the individual begins to realize that there is really little of no control in life, then genuine freedom and a high ability to trust is developed.