Victory over Lying: A Guide to Honesty
- Trent Meistrell
- Jun 12
- 14 min read
Order of Content:
Thy Psychology of Lying
Some people lie out of a need for approval or fear of rejection. They might try to create a more attractive image of themselves to compensate for low understanding of their identity and faith. In this case, lying might give them a temporary boost or shield them from feeling inadequate.
Some people struggle with impulse control, which can cause them to lie without considering the consequences.
If you fear the consequences of your actions, you might lie to avoid being punished or criticized, or feeling ashamed.
On the other hand, if feel neglected or overlooked, you may resort to lying to gain attention and validation. This can be a way to ensure that others show an interest in you.
Lying doesn’t need to have an external motivation. Some people simply “don’t think their life is interesting enough.”
Eventually, lying can become a habitual response to a range of situations. And once it becomes ingrained (stronghold), it’s hard to stop even if you see the damage it’s doing to your life.
For some people living with brokenness, and habitual sin, lying is a core trait of how they function. Typically these underlying issues are present that uphold a lying character trait:
Lacking understanding of their identity.
Holding contradictory views of themselves within themselves.
Lacking impulse control.
Lacking the defense mechanisms of denial, idealization, and devaluation.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
Some people may lie as a coping strategy to survive symptoms of depression or anxiety.
You could also be more likely to struggle with excessive lying if you grew up in a chaotic environment, or if one of your parents had an unresolved mental health issue.
The Impact of Lying in a Relationships
“A false witness will not go unpunished, and one who breathes out lies will not escape.”
Proverbs 19:5
“A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” Proverbs 26:28
“Everyone deceives their neighbor, and no one speaks the truth; they have taught their tongues to lie.” Jeremiah 9:5
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” Ephesians 4:25
“There are six things the Lord hates… a lying tongue, a false witness who pours out lies…”
Proverbs 6:16–19
Lying can have deep, detrimental effects on your relationships, identity, and your faith.
How Lying Impacts Relationships
It erodes trust. Trust is a foundation block of any relationship. Lying, on the other hand, breeds doubts and suspicions that erode its foundation.
It compromises communication. Honest and open communication is crucial to relationships. When lies are present, they challenge your ability to maintain genuine connection and understanding.
It creates emotional distance. Deceived partners tend to withdraw emotionally to protect themselves from further hurt.
It damages intimacy. Intimacy is built on trust, transparency, vulnerability, and openness. Lying damages the bond between partners, making them hesitant to share their true feelings.
It breeds resentment. Discovering lies creates conflict and, over time, leads to resentment. It may become increasingly challenging to resolve issues as the foundation of trust is compromised.
How Lying Impacts your Identity
Fragmentation of self-concept. Repeated lying creates multiple versions of “self” depending on the audience and situation. Over time, the person loses a stable internal reference point for who they are, leading to confusion about identity.
Dependence on image-management for self-worth. Identity becomes anchored to how one is perceived rather than who one is. This produces a need to constantly curate, adjust, or protect narratives to maintain acceptance.
Erosion of internal coherence between beliefs and actions. The person may believe certain moral or spiritual truths but regularly act against them. This mismatch creates cognitive and moral dissonance, weakening a unified identity.
Increased self-deception and loss of self-awareness. Continued external lying often turns inward. The person begins to accept distorted narratives about themselves, reducing accurate self-reflection and making change more difficult.
How Lying Impacts your Faith
Damages trust in God’s character and voice. Persistent lying conditions a person to mistrust truth itself. Over time, it becomes harder to discern conviction, conscience, or conviction from self-protection and distortion. This weakens confidence in God’s truth because internal clarity is compromised.
Creates spiritual disconnection through hiddenness. Faith depends on openness before God. Lying fosters secrecy, and secrecy leads to avoidance of prayer, confession, and accountability. The result is distance from God rather than intimacy with Him.
Forms a divided identity that resists transformation. Habitual deception reinforces a split between “presented self” and “real self.” This internal contradiction makes repentance harder because change requires consistency in truth. The person becomes resistant to conviction and slower in spiritual growth.
Weakens integrity, which undermines witness and obedience. Faith is expressed through truthfulness in action and speech. When lying becomes normal, obedience to Scripture becomes selective, and credibility in relationships and ministry is reduced, weakening both personal witness and spiritual influence.
How Lying Impacts Your Relationship with Yourself
Your relationship with yourself is the longest and most important relationship you have. It’s also the one that suffers the worst consequences of lying:
Guilt and shame: These emotions can weigh heavily on your conscience, damage or weaken your faith, and identity.
Isolation: Fear of being discovered can cause you to withdraw from social situations. The resulting loneliness further damages your self-esteem.
Loss of self-respect: Continuously lying can cause you to lose respect for yourself. Knowing that your actions are dishonest creates internal conflict.
Self-deception: People who lie habitually may convince themselves that their lies are justified or necessary. This can lead to a distorted view of reality and a lack of authentic identity.
Ultimately, lying leads to a worse quality of life. Maintaining the web of lies requires effort and constant vigilance to avoid exposure. And that ongoing stress and anxiety take a toll on your well-being.
Lying as Stronghold
A “stronghold of lying” in biblical language is not just occasional dishonesty; it is a patterned system of thought, emotion, and behavior that resists truth and reinforces deception.
Biblical meaning of a stronghold “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.” 2 Corinthians 10:4
In context, a stronghold is a fortified structure, something built over time that resists change. Applied spiritually, a stronghold of lying is a reinforced internal “system” that protects falsehood.
What a stronghold of lying looks like…
A stronghold of lying is typically built from four pillars:
1. False identity
The person begins to function from a constructed self rather than an honest one.
“I am the kind of person who has it together”
“I can’t be seen as weak, wrong, or failing”
Truth threatens identity, not just behavior.
2. Protective thinking patterns
The mind automatically generates justifications before truth is even considered:
Minimization (“it’s not that bad”)
Rationalization (“I had no choice”)
Blame-shifting (“they pushed me to it”)
Future promises (“I’ll fix it later”)
These are not random, they are trained reflexes.
3. Emotional avoidance
Lying becomes a tool to avoid internal discomfort:
Shame
Fear of rejection
Fear of consequences
Loss of control
Truth is experienced as emotionally costly, so deception becomes the faster relief mechanism.
4. Behavioral reinforcement loop
Every time lying “works” (avoids consequences, preserves image, reduces discomfort), the brain learns: deception = safety
This creates compulsion-like repetition, even when the person intellectually wants to change.
Why it is so difficult to overcome
1. Dual operating system: knowledge vs. impulse
Most people in this pattern already know what is right. The issue is not information, it is running on autopilot or operating mindlessly/effortlessly.
“For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” Romans 7:19
This describes the gap between moral awareness and behavioral execution.
2. Truth triggers identity threat
In a stronghold, telling the truth is not just moral, it feels existentially dangerous:
“If I tell the truth, I will be rejected.”
“If I tell the truth, I will lose control.”
“If I tell the truth, I will be exposed.”
So the nervous system prioritizes protection over integrity.
3. Shame reinforces concealment
Shame does not lead to honesty in strongholds; it leads to hiding. And hiding requires more deception to maintain.
This creates escalation: lying leads to relief leads to exposure risk leads to more lying
4. Short-term relief overrides long-term conviction
Even when someone fully agrees with truth, the immediate discomfort of honesty is stronger than the future consequences of deception.
This is why participants often say:
“I know what to do”
“I just don’t do it”
It is not a knowledge deficit; it is a dominance of impulse, fear, and habit loops over conviction.
Why truth feels so hard in the moment.
In a stronghold of lying, truth is experienced as…
loss of control
emotional exposure
potential rejection
identity destabilization
So the mind chooses what feels safer now, not what is healthier later.
The biblical root issue…
Scripture frames this not only as behavior but as internal bondage:
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
Bondage is not just being unable to stop lying; it is being unable to consistently choose truth when it costs something.
Summary: A stronghold of lying is a reinforced system of identity protection, emotional avoidance, and habitual deception that makes truth feel threatening, even when the mind agrees with it. It persists because it is sustained by fear, shame, and immediate relief loops, not lack of understanding.
Building the Skill of Honesty
Why Honesty is a Skill
It Requires Practice: Like any ability, honesty takes intentional effort and repetition to master, especially when delivering uncomfortable truths.
It Involves Self-Reflection: Being honest with yourself is a foundational component that requires mindfulness to avoid self-deception.
It Can Be Taught: Experts categorize honesty as a key behavioral and emotional skill.
Honesty is widely considered a skill rather than just an innate personality trait. While it relies on personal values, practicing it effectively requires specific, learnable abilities, including operating from the new nature, emotional regulation, and clear communication.
Building honesty skills is a gradual process that involves reflection, awareness of God, and the development of new habits, and is most effective with guidance. Your coach might use these strategies to help you adopt more honest behaviors:
Pausing before responding: Learning mindfulness practices can help you create mental space to pause in conversation before responding impulsively with a lie.
Reflecting on the consequences of lying: Before lying, consciously consider the potential outcomes of being dishonest. Understanding the repercussions might be a deterrent.
Practice transparency: Practice open communication with people you trust. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences honestly and regularly, practicing a habit of openness. Surrounding yourself with friends who value honesty and act with integrity can also reinforce the importance of truthful behavior.
To take on this journey, you’ll need to get clear on your personal values. Cultivating a new strong hold of your new nature (identity) will guide your decision-making (actions) towards honesty and truthfulness.
Tools and Techniques for Lasting Change
Because there’s a lack of attention paid to lying, there’s no standard treatment. But like any major life change, discipleship and intervention helps. Your path to victory will include:
Journaling: Promotes awareness of which thoughts, emotions, and situations are associated with lying, helping you identify patterns, and weaknesses. It also helps you identify what God is doing in your life.
Daily Prayer: Will shift your focus to honesty and integrity, and galvanize your desire for freedom and change.
Reminding Yourself Daily: Being honest with yourself of the reality of your situation and character in light of grace and the Gospel. Building honesty with reality empowers you to break down lying tendencies and false safety patterns that give you the illusion of security. True security is in honesty and truth.
Have a daily or weekly practice of scheduled honesty where you sit down with your spouse, pastor, or coach and share with 100% accuracy the wins and losses of the day /week.
Healing and Rebuilding Trust in Relationships
Being lied to can trigger trauma and grief, and whether your partner chooses to forgive you is up to them. It may take them some time to gain clarity on where they stand, and you can’t force them to speed up their process. In the meantime, you can give your relationship the best chance of healing by taking accountability, apologizing sincerely, keeping promises, and showing your commitment to change through consistent actions and servant heart.
Research shows that “trust harmed by untrustworthy behavior can be effectively restored when individuals observe a consistent series of trustworthy actions.” Trust harmed by the same untrustworthy actions and deception, however, never fully recovers. Promising to change is one thing, but trust can be further broken if your actions don’t match your words. Restoration (of your spirit, soul, and body) is always available through God’s forgiveness, mercy, grace, and truth. Restitution (trust, empowerment, authority and leadership) in relationships is dependant on the participants commitment to consistency, putting way falsehood, obedience, and repentance. Full restitution in relationships is a healing process that is hosted by the Holy Spirit and those impacted by the damage created.
Not all relationships can be repaired. Forgiving and tolerating when behavior hasn’t changed only further enables unhealthy patterns.
Taking accountability and making sincere efforts to be honest might mean there’s hope for your relationship. If not, it may be difficult to move forward in the relationship, sometimes the most helpful solution is to distance yourself.
A Godly Sorrow Response to being a Liar
“If you encounter two men in the forest, each one guarding a path, and all you know is that one of them always tells the truth and the other always tells a lie, but you don’t know which one is the liar, what one question could you ask to determine which path to take?
You could ask either of them: “What would the other man say?” And then you take the opposite path. Why? Because the liar would tell you the opposite of the right path (which is the path the truthful man would have revealed), and the truthful man’s answer would be the opposite of the right path (as his answer would indicate what the liar would tell you.)
It can be just as mind boggling to deal with a spouse, participant, or a disciple you are holding accountable, or just about anyone in the church who has a secret to hide or a story to embellish.
A Godly Sorrow Response to Lying
1. REFRAIN: PUT OFF FALSEHOOD
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, … Call it fibbing, bluffing, dishonesty, duplicity, misdirection, insincerity, or being economical with the truth, the sin of lying is as ancient as speech itself.
Satan lied to Eve, Cain lied to God, and this infection is still corrupting conversations today. Advertisements exaggerate, politicians obfuscate, and we deceive each other as we try to look younger than we are and drive nicer cars than we can afford.
The only way to stop lying is found in Scripture: Therefore, having put away falsehood…
The command is simple enough. We would all agree that lying is wrong, but perhaps we don’t realize how subtly deception can flavor our character, thoughts, language, and beliefs.
A) Half-truths: It is a lie when you tell part of the truth and withhold part of the truth to deliberately create a false impression. In Genesis 20 Abraham told Abimelech that Sarah was his sister. Well, she was technically his sister (half-sister), but she was also his wife. If you tell your wife you are late from work because of a business meeting, but you neglect to tell her the meeting was held over drinks and a pool table at the bar – that is a half-truth – aka a lie.
B) Omissions: it is a lie when you leave someone in ignorance in order to mislead them or deliberately allow them to come to an inaccurate conclusion. For example, when you’re admiring the flower arrangement in the church lobby and the pastor walks past and says, “Thanks for your service in providing such lovely flowers.” And you just smile. You might think you haven’t lied, but you have…by omission. In Acts 5 Ananias and Sapphira both said they sold their land and gave the money to the church. But they neglected to mention that they were fuzzy on the details, keeping some for themselves (which was their right to do), but creating the impression that they had given it all. Peter called that obfuscation, “lying to the Holy Spirit.”
C) Dishonest negotiating tactics: it is lying when you tell your counterpart, “I can’t afford this, you’re driving a hard bargain, my kids will go hungry tonight.” But then you go home and say “Honey, I wrangled this great price with my superior negotiation prowess.”
Proverbs 20:14 “Bad, Bad,” says the buyer, but when he goes away, then he boasts.
D) False Advertising: offering three months’ free internet access, without declaring up front that this requires a two-year contract, is a lie.
Proverbs 11:1 A false balance is an abomination to the LORD
E) Breaking Commitments: making promises you have no intention of keeping, just to appease someone, is a lie. Not paying the debts you owe, which you undertook to pay, is a lie.
Proverbs 25:14 Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of a gift he does not give.
F) Hypocrisy: pretending that you have things together, financially, spiritually, emotionally when you don’t, is a lie.
Proverbs 13:7 One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.
G) Exaggerating: it is a lie when you pad the truth, embellish details, inflate the presentation of facts in order to deceive others.
Genuine mistakes are not lies. Estimates that go wrong are not lies (example weathermen). And misinformation that is an agreed upon part of the interaction, such as in sport when you fake left but go right, is not a lie. Joking (the delayed revelation of a truth) is probably also not lying in the true sense, although if it is done to hurt others, and does not show love, that might be another sin.
Proverbs 26:18-19 Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”
2. RENEW: CHANGE YOUR MIND
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
Inform your mind with the knowledge of Scripture that shapes your thinking. Paul brings some clarity for Christians to renew our minds and clean up that kind of thinking.
Ephesians 4:24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
You have a new nature, identity, and a new Father. God your Father never lies (Titus 1:2).
But Satan only lies. When you lie, you disown God and call Satan father.
Lying is not wrong because it might damage your reputation or get you into trouble. It’s wrong because God’s nature is truth and He hates deceit. And you are His child.
3. REPLACE: PUT ON SPEAKING TRUTH
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
The next step in repentance is to put on the right behavior. The opposite of lying is not silence, it’s speaking the truth.
Perhaps your boss doesn’t trust you, or your spouse suspects you. The way to combat that is to start volunteering truth on your own. Make sure the person knows the truth.
Some practical keys:
Ask for forgiveness. As soon as you realize you have lied, just correct yourself. It may be embarrassing, but it’s better than sinning.
Remain silent. This is a nifty and under-utilized habit: if you don’t want to lie and don’t want to tell the truth, then just offer a polite version of “None of your business.” If someone asks a personal question like “Do you and your wife fight a lot?” You can say “My wife and I don’t talk about our relationship to others.” If someone asks what you think of your employer’s clearly unwise decision, you can respond with “It’s not for me to pass judgment on management’s decision.”
Develop a reputation for honest speech and for doing what you say you will do.
Let your yes be yes and your no be no. When you make a commitment, fulfill it. Or don’t make the commitment.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Cultivate a truthful environment in your home, marriage, and friendships by discouraging surprise-lying, and untrue beliefs for your kids.
CONCLUSION:
You can’t do this without Jesus. Only the Holy Spirit is the one who empowers us stop, to change our thinking, and then realign our ways with God’s ways. You need to be right with God by putting your faith in the salvation bought by Jesus on the cross and then, with the Spirit’s power, make God’s opinion your highest goal in life. Without Him you can’t repent. But with the Spirit’s help you can just stop.
